By Kris Dikeman
This month’s online student newsletter features a guest editorial by Caedes Gigantorum, the sentient fungal infestation currently residing under the remains of the Sagan Science Center. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by Caedes Gigantorum do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the University:
Greetings, bipedal mammals. Our telepathic sentient hive mind, though having only lately achieved coherence, expresses gratitude for this opportunity to share “helpful tips” for the local bipedal mammals in the immediate future. Adherence to these guidelines is not voluntary.
Thank you in advance for your compliance.
Tip 1. Remain calm
As the bipedal mammals of the Sagan Science Center would attest — if they were still able to communicate — loss of control is frightening. However, you are urged to consider the positive aspect of your situation. You stand on a precipice, not merely at the remains of the once proud Sagan Science Center, but in our planet’s history.
Tip 2. Stay Away from the Sagan Science Center.
We will remain eternally grateful to the bipedal mammals whose irresponsible behavior caused our spontaneous generation from several experiments in fungal propagation. A memorial is planned to commemorate their actions, at some future date. For now, there is nothing and no one of interest left in the wreckage. You have no business there.
Tip 3. Stay hydrated.
Our examination of the water table reveals toxins and heavy metals. We believe these materials were dumped into water system by the former bipedal mammals of the Sagan Science Center. We have begun emergency filtration through our every-growing mycelia network. The resulting potable water will be ours, to be used in our expansion program.
We suggest you partake of the beverage known as a “Baja Blast,” available at a local dispensary of comestibles called “Taco Bell.” The citric acid and calcium disodium EDTA in this beverage will help to mask the taste of any pollutants. Also, we find the Eldritch teal color pleasing.
Tip 4. Avoid Running
Running dramatically increases levels of lactic acid in your crudely designed circulatory systems. This is to be avoided, as it can cause muscle ache, rapid breathing, nausea, and stomach pain.
In addition, it imbues mammalian bodily fluids with an unpalatable bitterness, which even the astonishingly large amount of high fructose corn syrup contained in an extra-large Baja Blast cannot fully mask.
Tip 5. Practice Self-care.
As we continue to strengthen our network, the following activities are encouraged:
- Breathe fresh air.
- Snuggle under a cozy blanket.
- Wiggle your bare toes in our growing mycelia network.
- Sit outdoors by a fire, watching the flames and listening to the night sounds.
- Pay attention to your breathing.
- Burrow deeply into the cool, moist soil of the forest floor.
In time, all bipedal mammals in this area will be invited to formally experience our mycelia network. For now, please be patient. Soon you will understand everything.
Comments:
Partyallday42: First! Fun fake editorial! LOL! Someone’s been snacking on those magic mushrooms they sell out of the Sagan building basement.
ProfJOHN89: The Sagan building is a smoldering crater, you galloping ignoramus.
Partyallday42: Yo dude, chill.
Emmy_683: I don’t want to participate in the mycelia network.
MYC1: Participation will be mandatory.
Comments are now closed for this article.
Kris Dikeman lives and works in New York City. Her short fiction has appeared in Analog, Lady Churchill’s Rosebud Wristlet, Strange Horizons, Beneath Ceaseless Skies and All Hallows, among other places.
Taco Bell Quarterly 